Yes I Have A Life
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Melanie" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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02:00 pm
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videos
I wonder if life/ highschool/ keeping in touch with my wheels friends/ my relationship with Jereme would have been any different if Skype was around in 2004...
theres just something about that dynamic of seeing someone face to face...
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06:27 pm
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bedbugs
It's almost kinda embarrassing I still do this. Or the fact that my senior year in college I have more posts than the rest of college combined.
Or...it's awesome.
As one of the most reflective people I think I know, I love being able to look back. Comeon I spent 4 hours rereading old myspace comments the other day. It's funny to me that I am so nostalgic considering how much I love the present too.
I guess recently I've realized that my reflection serves to only improve my happiness. I frequently feel so fortunate to have amazing people flow in my life and such fantastic experiences. These technological databases serve as my reminders of these events. How else could I trace histories or show my gratification? My memory is so strong because I exercise the muscle.
Regardless even though I'm a 21 year old girl writing in an online journal, I know that some of my friends are jealous that I have these memories written down forever to remember. I should prob print them out or soemthing in case LiveJournal ever goes dead. But they will always remind me of the years 15-21. Wow.
Soo in light of my maturity, I've realized a certain area I am not so mature in. I dont like guys that like me. Well I guess that's old news and I've been talking about it since high school. But more importantly I dont like hooking up with guys that like me. I guess you can say the two are heavily correlated if not cause and effect. But really it makes me feel so..weird hooking up with someone who likes ME and is about doing things for ME..like thats now how I work.
ha I like pushing myself and trying hard for someone. The guys I've been with usually fall into a few categories: the friends with the sexual tension where if anything I would put as half-selfish and half-mutual powered hookup; a random where it doesn't really matter at all so it's partially in fits to impress the person and leave a good impression; or a mutual love with just wanting to be with the person in every way. Remind me to try and STAY with these choices. I dont like guys fawning all over me unless it's reciprocated, makes me feel uncomfortable and really puts the pressure on.
Like I said - I'm doomed to fail. I'll never be the girl who likes a really whipped boy; I like to give them the power. And I'm a girl who spends more time idealizing the perfect man or letting distance make me feel stronger about my feelings than find someone here and now.
But what I've realized right now is that I'm happy being single. Right now might be my last time as a single girl for a long time if ever and shouldn't I enjoy it now before it all becomes a distant memory? I dont know.
This entry is too multifaceted..ugh eff finals
Current Music: if i cant do it homie it cant be done
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02:37 am
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grassy can
In terms of modern technology, one could only say that my blog is stuck in 2004. Current blogs are visually stimulating: colors, pictures, borders, shapes.
People prefer short paragraphs with specific depictions over long, steady emotional encounters. If someone did stumble upon this blog I would wager they could barely spend more than 10 minutes reading my college-aged entries.
I do like my old pieces, my steady updates or relatable emotional pieces. I am very very vague on this site now. Versus when I was writing for others I had to mention those I was feeling for.
So maybe for old times sake I'll throw in those old details, those facts that bring the story to life. this should show just how these thoughts I ponder shape up to exist.
My relationship with Dan has been very very interesting and something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I guess in some ways you can say he's just always been there. Starting from when we've met, hes been in the background- bringing humor into all my stories. I am so thankful in my life but the fact that we still maintain this friendship makes me laugh.
It's one of those scenarios that looking back that while we maintained it through hard work, the beginning might just have been fate. All my goals, all my fantasies were pointed at his friend Jordan when we first met. Even to this day I find Jordan attractive! But first I wound up on the bus next to Dan and then Jordan got sick and next thing you know I found a "hot Tzafon boy".
And yet we keep talking, keep in touch, keep growing together yet separately. And I wonder: what does he see in me?? I wish I knew his lifestyle well enough to know if he just keeps in touch with that many random girls or if there's some sort of connection he feels to keep him texting, calling and skypeing.
This is what I know: its funny having a flirting relationship without any pressure; we can tease without hurting and advise, vent and story swap with little hints of sexual tension. I also know that every mutual friend with him comments on his "luck with the ladies." Sam told me he fucked over a few of his friends; Emily rolls her eyes and someone else tried to hook up with him. That's never been the doubt.He may no longer be his past..sometimes the past is part of you without dictating your current persona...
But after 5 years - do I know him? Could I expect to be more than someone he'd fuck over? Or is it the way he thinks of me that he thinks it would too casual to fuck me over. The way he hints around my life sometimes makes me feel like he judges me too..for partying too hard or hooking up too much. It wouldn't be hard to assume that I'm the kind of girl that can handle it. But I mean I guess I can...I've always handled him lightly. I throw the accusations back at him and never visited on command. I wouldn't even cuddle with him. Basically I didn't make it easy...but NOW..looking back, I wish maybe I had given in...maybe it could be more..
The reason I ponder this so hard is underneath all his game and talk, I like to believe there's a guy that understands me. This whole time I've caught him occasionally saying exactly the right thing, understanding exactly what I'm thinking. Knowing when I'm afraid or nervous or in over my head. He might know this by just understanding women; but that's how I am with guys too. This year he has continued to surprise me. Aid me in my pangs of abroad - the whole process from orientation to conclusion. Understand why I want to get married. He never gets too deep..just enough for me to grasp his concept. And him admitting tonight how he doesn't keep in touch with too many of his old girl friends but has been cooped up studying and playing nomad.
I know players. I know how Jordan used lines instead of emotion, everything carefully worded playgames. And the brief encounter with Noam showed me how similar he acted. Ryan as well was full of player-isms. But unless Dan is a whole new ballgame, I think he's different. We've talked about the different women in his life; albeit not so indepthly this past year; and I don't think he's a player for player's sake. Not looking to exploit girls' emotions or just get fucked -- I think he's looking for the right girl and won't commit or settle down until it's just right and he's ready. I mean..I could ask.
But that's the problem. I never know how to act..what to ask. I sometimes try and play these witty word games, but maybe it would be better to converse the way I do best. By getting deep down and bringing out points, seeing sides people don't even know they felt. Why have I always been better at having deep conversations with guys who have girlfriends than those that dont? Dan makes me nervous, he makes me want to show off, but also be myself.
On the phone I'm awkward, but I don't find myself especially that way in person. I felt normal visiting him, catching up, smiling, hanging out, going out. I guess this year it's been mostly drunk. But when he first came to down I took him to diff food venues..I dont know, I just know how to hang out with him. After skyping so frequently, I realize Ithink we work better in person or face to face than on the phone. We need that face to face to make eachother smile and keep each other on our toes. I always smile when I see him and sometimes I think I catch him do the same. Maybe he's just smiling at the way I see him.
On some levels we are so alike. The background fits; Wheels and Pilgrimage under his belt, chapter president, picked to go on a Israel Leadership trip, abroad in BCN, highly involved in his fraternity. We like similar music and have the same sense of humor and taste in youtubes. Moreover he's gangster when its sooo hard for me to find someone I can be gangster with -- not that we would ever "thug" out together; but he just gets it. On paper it fits soo well: the oldest and youngest, he's determined and successful.
Maybe our conversation needs to evolve. We moved from drunk forward to talking while he worked and swapping youtubes. Now we're back to drunk and clearly that's not his level anymore. We've been stuck on work lately, but there must be more. There are so many things I want to ask him.
Last year I think he was going through the same things I am now. The deadpan post abroad, nervousness of finding jobs, everyone being in a relationship - he wanted to escape and come visit here - I should have taken him up on it!
Ultimately I know it will not work out as ever being more than friends for one main main reason. He's too good for me. He's incredibly smart and even harder working; he's self sacrificing and determined; he's so experienced and smooth; he's funny and has even crazier stories than mine; he's goodlooking and has beautiful friends. I need someone who will feel lucky to have me, but I always go for the guys who I feel lucky to have. I must love rejection, I must be afraid of having someone who will treat me well when I can work hard to please someone else. He needs someone on par with him - someone brainsy and ballsy and stunning.
Ugh...I wish I could be smooth enough to handle the situations. To slow down and figure out what to say. I know he must keep me around for something. Last year he was discussing how it would when we're old and married and no longer friends. He's told (not asked) me to visit, recommended I move and drunkenly invited me to his semiformal...but I want to know! WHAT would he do if I took up his offer? THAT is the question I need to ask. What if I was there? Would he treat me like his never ending booty call, like a close friend and companion..or..could he date me?
I need to find out because I know what my mind thinks. It knows that he physically handles me as a one night stand..every time. Not even like a sex-with-a-friend that I got from Danny. Just a passionate, rough, one night stand. And that is while very hot, doesn't quite get me goin..it makes me feel used. Like I'm just there to ease the dry spell. I wonder if he has ever had sex with someone he realllly liked and knows the difference. That's what I should ask. Because my head says that but my heart has been picking up these subtle clues - the way we don't really share about hookups too much anymore (or is it bc we're not macking it as much as we used to) or the glint of a smile or the fact that he stilll calls.
Are we so similar that we're meant to be or am I so stuck in the imagination? I'm guessin there will be no answers to these questions unless I ask/ go visit or find someone knew..until then it's something fun to keep me goin through the day.
Current Location: 904 seniorhouse
Current Mood:  working
Current Music: "classics" playlist
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04:28 am
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my ear reflects..
Coudlnt stop thinkin about those songs that never get old, that you will keep on the radio no matter what. because they're so peppy and upbeat and have the best memories. MY classics
I will actully make this list one day.
- Lollipop (and remix)
- Whatever You Like
- Cupid's Chokehold
- Sweet Escape
- Suga Suga (Baby Bash)
- One Headlight
- Kid Cudi's Memories
- Girl in the War
- Love Generation / Bob Sinclair
- Call on Me (Blink 182)
- I miss you
- The Way I Are
- We takin over
- Kids (MGMT)
- Apologize (One Republic original)
- D.A.N.C.E (Justice)
Sexiest Songs:
- Blame it on the Alcohol
- Dip it Low
- Me & U (answer ur call)
- Sugar (Flo Rida)
- Overnight celebrity
- Summer Jam
- Beggin
Best "Gangster lyrics"
"Believe me nigga, thats whut I'm about, gangsta" - If I can't 50 cent
"Sounds gangster, I'm gangster, We'll play the town prankster" - Electropop
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03:45 am
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minor personal reflections
The best foods in life are for sure dipped: pita and hummus, chips and salsa, baked lays and fron dip, apples and peanutbutter, carrots and....anything.
the perfect day in israel: wake up, go to the beach, read a book, go into the water, play a game, go back into the water, buy icecream and iced coffee, go to the shook and buy arak, pita from the eser lady, carrots, and veggies. walk around and explore a park or street. make friends, speak in hebrew. look at shoes. make a "stirfry" for dinner aka veggies in sauce. pregame with arak. find a deal on a cab into the city. go to 3 different club, dance, have israelis buy you shots and make freinds. end on a beach for some deep convos and joint. return home. eat pita and hummus.
i miss my life there.
i am most comfortable in a big hoodie, shorts, off the shoulder shirt and a backwards hat.
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01:53 am
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Watching it in the stands
I really like when good things happen to good people.
Obviously i have a little bit of a jealousy complex -- but regardless, it makes me happy.
Its such a great feeling to see people and friends who deserve the best, finally finally getting what they deserve.
Its so great to see your friends and family being successful! To finally have things going well for people who went through so many bad things. It amost makes me take for granted the mediocre happiness I have. I feel happy and lucky and thankful often I hope.
But theres just something so cool about seeing it turn out for people. I only hope my turn will come. But till then I'm thankful for those who deserve it.
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01:46 am
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Fateness
The notion of soulmates is a rather interesting one. I've spent most of my life going against the idea. Capturing the fact that maybe there are multiple people who are meant to be in our lives - and as we change, so do the needs we find in a partner. Maybe that comes from divorced parents.
Thoughts of the moment:
- Soulmates and timing. Why is that one person is distant, far away and unappreciating with one partner and turned around with another. What brings out the hidden trait that automatically shows 2 people are just better together than before. MOre amd more I'm seeing guys who couldn't settle down find girlfriends. Girls who wanted to mess around, finding the guy that suits them. I gave so much time and energy to make something work but it wasn't meant to be. He was supposed to be with someone else. And the big clue? It's supposed to be easy right? Not hard? When there was all that doubt in my mind, I should have rolld with it! I can't regret though, there was a resaon my heart waited to dislodge until this year. There were reasons I was where I was - to take me where I am now. Still I'm both intrigued and irked by the random couple sprooting. Some couples just make sense. I didn't used to believe in soulmates. Maybe the whole divorced parents thing. But now I do...Either it's a perfect natural fit, Or maybe its the effect of timing. At one point someone is ready..but then..they are! It all fits! It's all right.
Regardless of my strength, I cant help but feel stupid. Knowing I deserved more and waiting until right now to realize it.
-College. Was it all really that easy? For 2.5 years I never went to class. Went out every night. Watched Tv, Facebooked. Honestly what did I do all day?! I used to wonder how I managed to do it all. Now I have the answer: I skipped class and napped all day. I guess I really did do the college party girl thing. Living for Station and $1 drinks. Now I realize if I go out, it fucks up my morning no matter how late I get up. The same hungover feeling persists but I haveee to go to class. Woah. But my classes...they're harder. I look at syllabuses and see all the content. Talk about freaked out this semester. Last semester I had a couple finals - thats it! Oy. Now I have to stop twice when I flinch at a syllabus with Reading, Hw, Tests and Papers. But you know what - I don't mind it. It flows.
And I LOVE MY MAJOR. I love the classes I'm taking. I love the people in them. I hope they work out next semester - I seem to be freefloating :\ I'm going to miss having classes with Kathy, Justin Apu, Alex Lee, along with my random class friends like Kody, Paul, etc. Everyone is so cool and friendly, I love having CMN clases to look forward to. And..I'm pretty good at them. I'm pretty sure this major is where I'm suppsed to be. It makes me happy to find a place. Even if I'm not social all teh time, atleast I kinda found my place. I found teachers and classes I can succeed in, students I like interacting with and something I'm good at. Even if it isn't hte most challenging of major..we have a lot of pride haha
- Israel. To return or not to return? I think after my Israel Amp trip I realized how much I adore being around Jews in a group setting? I love being around ppl I think I click with. Even though we were all so different, we almost immedaitly joined together and became freinds. It happened instantaneously bc we shared something and had something so inbedded in our life.
Where can i go to get those feeligns back? Life isn't a USY convention. I need to be around ppl who get me. But where/ how? Decisions...
I'm thinking more and more now that my experience abroad would be complelty diff if I went now. I'm so much more open to just being. I needed that alone, internal time. But the year of 09 will always mean that to me. I was a bit worried about it actualy but it worked out. I got to be introspective. I was happy but because I was figurin out me. Now that me and I are closer than ever, we can get back to the fun part. Yea I know for sure if I went back now I would b diff. More ready to try bars, meet ppl, not stuck in my daily life. Appreciating the ppl I'm with. Ya life is different, but life changes.
I'm gonna try to roll with the punches more.
<3 peace and love
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03:33 am
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Makin a list, checkin it twice
It is amazing how my self awareness from abroad has stuck with me. Maybe my hard adjustment this school year stems from knowing my changes and not being able to fall into the same old routine. Typical daily interaction has become more difficult knowing that I can't discuss the same useless knowledge. I've found that others now understand my insight as well - and hopefully see it as a skill. Still, sometimes insight isn't really up people's alley. It's harder for me to just joke around or do stupid things because honestly..I expect more of myself. It's a rough challenge to know that in others' eyes my serious side, my need to inspect and look deeper and my love for deep conversations is actually a downfall. College students really don't like deep convos all the time. They're great here and there, but it's more fun to be stupid and get drunk.
So I kept myself that way for so long. But I can't help it. My mind is constantly running in circles, analyzing and considering. Craving to know others deeply and to hear their own thoughts.
Now that I know especially how much my insight can halt others, I've decided to compile my own list. Those dream qualities that maybe someone can fully embody. Maybe I can look back one day and see that they were met or that some don't matter. I guess there are somethings I forget I care about
- Who can write as well as I can or express himself in words in the same way that I can
- Or who just knows how to say what he's thinking in a way that is impressive to me
- Will go out or hang in with my friends without overpowering
- Can be welcomed in his group of friends
- Can offer insight into my thoughts without posing too many or being too artsy
- understands the greek system/doesnt get jealous/wants to go out
- where the fantasy isnt better than the reality
- all the things I imagine saying in my mind I actually feel comfortable expressing
- I want to go on adventures and feel comfortable doing daily activities together like taking pictures and travelling and carving pumkins - things beyond getting drunk
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03:43 am
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Looking forward instead of back
blogs are pretty selfish aren't they? They're all about "me" and what "I want" or "I need". I suppose, though, that if you don't account for yourself, who will? Who will monitor your strengths and honestly tell you your weaknesses if you can't find them for yourself? Sometimes this form of tracking is the only way to keep up. The way to truely unleash yourself, even selfishly.
So now, my goals/ Intentions for this year; how to improve myself and become a better person:
- Listen more carefully to my friends instead of focusing on what's in my head
- Make more of an effort with the people in my everyday life; get to know them instead of taking them for granted
- Be a better friend, best friend and person
- Don't make everything about "my time" - if someone calls, it's because its convenient for them
- Try to touch base with people more than just on facebook; dont be afraid of calling
- Forget my woes, everyone has a sob story..now its my turn to move on
- Find my goals in life and how I can accomplish I my future
- Hard to say, but take myself away from my fantasy
- Take better care of my body and find a way to dance again or do the things I love
- Continue to develop my skills
- Spend money more wisely but stop being afraid of being "cheap"
- Keep myself in check over bad habits
I know those seem to be a lot of negative all at once but sometimes you need a kick or jumpstart. A year is a long time but it tends to fly - I know I accomplish anything that I actually think about. There are so many important people in my life that I know I take advantage of. And so many people that could be important in my life that I also take advantage of.
I can't help but truly feel blessed with the people I have in my life, though. Regardless of how well they know me, I feel inspired by those in my life. My family, my old friends from USY, my sorority sisters, my roommates in the dorm and PT, my abroad friends, my home crews, my guy neighbors and friends -- people who have been there for me for years and never give. I can't give up on them but I need to remind everyone how I am a good friend. I need to become a better friend.
I need to forgo my jealousy and rememeber that what is right for one person isn't necessarily congruent with another. My path will take shape but I need to be proactive. There are so many ways life works itself out, so many decisions I see now truly effect my life, even small decisions I made 3 years ago are leading me to where I am now.
I can do this.
I really do have the best life possible and I need to embrace this knowledge.
Here's hoping this next coming year is as monumental and amazing as the last. I see a sparkling future.
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01:29 am
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mix and match
As a lone girl in a group of guy friends this summer it has been my job to maintain a good reputation for women...my guy friends are constantly berading the female standpoint on relationships and always saying we dont know what we want.
well for the first time in a while i might have to agree.
do we know what we want?
whats different btwn men and women is that men dont know what they want in general but women know what they want just not who they want it with.
when i pick scenarios its not just what i want but who i want it with.
one person will throw me an emotional connection..but i only want that with the guy who gives me fantsatic sex
i want hookups from the guy that barely speaks to me
and i only want to cuddle with the guy that finds every way to flirt
one day theyll b a nice equilibrium
gah this all coming from teh one single girl out of all my best girl friends..all in relationships. thank goodness for my sorority/ abraod/ jew friends because who else woudl i go out with? its been a funny summer as the one girl goin out in groups of boys. i guess i always have my boys to protect me, help make others jelaous and when all else fails - get me drunk
cnt help but feel oh so so lucky
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07:19 pm
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live for the present
i dont think i ever realized just how important that thought is .
its all about here and now. whats done is gone and who kwnos what will happen next so why not just live in what you have. i feel so much joy so much freedom. maybe its the sun or the gym. but im so happy. and content with what III have..not with what others are doing. to each his own and i lovee my life.
im also starting to think about not worrying this summer. if i really am enjoying these adventures so much, then i will make my own. im going to make impromptu trips to st. louis and visit champaign and rochester maybe and have lindsays lake house party and the concert after. there are so many things to do, its just about doing them. not worrying about who is or isnt doing it cuz when ur having a good time, good just follows.
i love this feeling. i feel FREE
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07:28 pm
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Standing by my word
I'm so happy I remembered how freeing it is to work out. The fact is..I can sit and philosphise all I want..about all these things that I've realized and then all of a sudden lose those thoughts in an instant. Or I can remember what it is all about with a little work out of clarity.
The thing about karma is that it doesnt take a break to judge you about whether or not its happening at a time when its supposed to. It just exists and you can choose to obey it or not. Life will throw you curve balls..that maybe you should have seen coming. And maybe instead of waiting for all the bad things to pass and waiting on someone else to figure it out -- you should say screw that and figure your own path.
Ive felt it before and that was the truely best thing that could have happend after. IT all worked out in fantastic ways. I wasnt afraid to try. And I have been afraid to try. But now I dont.
I promised a break. I wanted to be over it. I wanted to be happy for what was to come. And now that its here I'm skeptical? No! I'm going to stand by MY word and let happen what I wanted. Maybe I need to take a chance and maybe its horrible but whats the worst that can happen? I'm going to be happy and I'm going to be happy for everyone else whose happiness I swore. Thats the beauty of me..I'll be the true friend.
I stand by this..Gosh I promise myself I do -- even if they necessarily dont.
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07:25 pm
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change of scenery
finally 3 months into the game and pondering my identity crisis i think i get it.
back on wheels i became someone new..someone who i felt helped my friends, was a a genuine friend and could be free and goofy and loving. and it was never about getting drunk. we always found it unneccesary.
and then i started drinking.
and i remember after my first college visit - when i was "that" hot, cool, social girl -- i was explaining my moral dilemna to a friend. who should i be? and then after i didnt think that much of it
i entered college and WAS social. the same way i was on wheels. but with the added twist of the necessary alcohol. and i looved it. but i think slowly it did tare me apart. not in life perse. but my wheels friends who have seen me wasted i dont think ever look at me the same. ive broken down about my problms to them a couple times. and not that theres anything wrong with having problems. but no one exactly asks me to help solve theirs anymore. im like the sloppy friend. and ya i can have fun, hold my own in a drinking contest - but for some reason thats just not the same.
and maybe thats what abroad has been for me. im with my jews again. i wanted a crazy party city. but what i realized is that i dont need to be "that" girl here. im happy being calm and content, feeling like i have my life semi together. i talk about in depth things and see all the girls who are more "like" me and kind of despise them for their wastedness. but at school we'd be best friends. im actually enjoying being cool and collected, going to bed early, not having a ton of st0ries, but feeling like i have people who respect me. its going to be very strange returning to the states and having everyone regard me as the crazy go outter. because i will become that there again. thats how i define myself. and everytime im with people from home i get into that stage again. like i dont know how to be myself without it.
not like theres somethin wrong with it..
i just love feeling content in my own skin. people respecting my thoughts because they trust me. and having fun without going out. i dont need to be ms. popular because i go out. i can be it because people actually trust my opinion. i can have alot of fun hanging around, talking, laying outside, and not getting ready or pregaming. for the first time in so long it doesnt have to do with that.
and it scared me at first. even felt like i took away my identity. but i truely love it now. im alitlte nervous to return with out it. i dont even want something ridiculous for my 21 birthday.
i feel very very lucky im still here for another month. there will b time to see changes and experience. and luckily i think ill get to be chill throughout it.
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12:09 am
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no longer that that girl
I have a feeling I'm going to have quite the identity problem when I return to school. I realize I having an abroad experience and I am changing, but its not the way I thought I would. I've found myself kinda growing up I think. But necesarily in terms of thinking about responibility; but in understanding the duties in a house, learning how to plan and travel; learning how to plan and maybe more importantly how to calm down. I missed drinking at first..but now I feel comfortable just hangin out.
Reading that old letter - only by 2 months. I'm acutally not that girl - the one with all the invites out, cuz I turn them out. Maybe I'm not wanting all the things I wanted before. Maybe I think about people differently too.
Not that I'm not having fun or idk. I just want to remember this right now next semester when Im slummed under work or dying to go out. That its ok to just sit and hang out. That maybe I'm happy talking about religion and politics and actually learning things. Maybe this is what I want.
Ive learned from Israelis that status is not neccessarily everything. Some things in life are bullshit and even though I do like to look back and laugh at stuff, I think this really has been what I was waiting for. The step that would take me above all those things that I was tired with about myself.
I just cant get over how literally i feel so different than I did 2 months ago. And I dont know what to do about it now..
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02:17 am
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Vendiagraming my personality
Funny how I just read 2 posts ago - and the juxtaposition btwn the last one. I was the girl NOT in charge, who got ot know everyone. And now my roles have switched. Ha go figure. I get the wrong role at the wrong time? I dknot know which one I actually enjoy now..grass is always greener they say
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02:03 am
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Abroad in the middle of the world
Ive been thinkin alot about how my experience abroad is an opportunity to see anything, do anything but more importantly - be anything. This is my opportunity to really find a place and really find people. And I feel like Im not living it up to its true potential.
I guess its how I kind of felt about college at first. I waited my wholeee life for this. And now its here - and its less than I imagined. I miss the people that know me. I miss people being the way Im used to. But then again its adjustment to find those people that make things different. I dont want the same do I? IDK I dont like being this moody - I feel like I should be the best version of myself. The person everyone loves and goes to. Instead I feel like I stopped listening. That I'm just wandering around passing judgment. That I'm constantly complaining.
Where did this side of me come from? Its like a constant joodle. And I know thats not the real me.
I'm trying to find the moments that make me feel like this is why I am here. Its weird because alot of them point to the judiasm aspect and not the traveling or getting drunk part. And I just cant help but wonder if I'm mature enough to be there yet. Where I'm putting my role as the stereotypical drunk girl behind me to have real views about GD? Idk if I ever liked being "that girl". Maybe the attention or the friends or the fact that I was always having fun. But i miss being the nice girl or the girl people go to for problems. Maybe I'm getting closer to that here. But I dont know if I like that.
I feel really trapped - Im not at home and I dont want to be. But I dont know if I want to be here either. I know its a process to really become adjusted - and I think my cycle of adjustment just began earlier cuz I've been here before. I feel like so many things are off - the friends, the place, the class. Idk I want it all to set in place. Its hard staying on face value all the time. Having the simple "are you going out" relationships and not really knowing about some of my so called freinds here..What do I really know about them? I'm usually the girl who can sit down and open people up. But I havent and I dont know if its because I havent wanted to.
I need a good heart to heart with someone intersting. I hope I figure out my place soon. I feel like this experience is so different for me than everyone else. And thats making it so lonely.
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11:23 pm
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participation grade
I was really upset about never holding a position in Alpha Phi..i felt like I really wanted to be part of something. And then I looked back today on USY. the love of my highschool life, even though I forget it. I never held a position - got into it so late. But I still knew everything, did everything and consider it a big part of my life.
Maybe I'm one of those people who arent meant to be in charge. I'm the one that listens to everyones dilemna, who writes everyones feelings and is there for a smile and to show everyone a good time. I've never been too afraid to break the rules - sneakin out on Wheels or visitors in the house.
I took it as a personal blow for a long time. Figured it meant that not enough people trust me..but I think I need to embrace the role I am suited for. Now I just need to gauge myself into such situations. Because I think my skills, like I knew when I applied to college freshmen year, lie in my personal connection with my people. My strive to learn as much about every individual as possible, to make a deep rooted connection with all of them; not for personal gains but just out of love. I ask my new acquaintances things not usually set for small talk. I know how to disclose and bring about a deep conversation. I think this is my best asset. Instead of trying to organize files and call vicinities, I sit and converse. Maybe this isn't the best skill for the real world...until I find the right job that'll make me the best at it. Mediation? Team building? Author? haha
I think I can be okay with this. But all it makes me wanna do right now is contact all my old wheels friends. I really miss them right now and miss the person I was with them; even if its so similar to who I am now. It was just so great to feel that people really really loved you. There was no need to hide affection..you could say whatever you wanted. Perhaps the hardest part of my life now is hoping that people accept my random comments or awkward sayings. I never felt them with that; maybe because they were too. It was never about being the best at something or holding the highest position. It was just about being the best person you could be. There's really magic in that. Our lives have driven us so apart now. I think about all the contempt between people..
Actually I just listed it..and deleted it. It doesnt matter. 4 years later I'm going to reflect on the great memories instead. Bus C is now as old as our staff were when they led us across the country. 4 years and all these hurt feelings are repairable. Why be upset about all the bad when there are people who still care so much about each other. Margalit and Juliana. Shaina and Gelena. Mindy and Elanah. All still so close. and while I wanna list me and Randi because she is my closest girl companion, the one who visits me the most and who I want to always have in my life - I feel like maybe I would be sorted and listed with Jereme instead. Me & Jereme..still so close. I was always defending him; through his crazy adventures and bad mistakes. And I'm still doing it. And he's the one who calms my mind when I overthink virtually everything. Weird that I actually admit that now when sometimes I feel so detached. I think he'll never disappear from my life and I hope not; he's the one who probably witnessed me grow up the most. And I think about us girls and how it was a group of us for awhile; each w/ our own connection to each other. Gelena visiting her family in Wheeling and taking long car rides thru the area; Shaina and mine adventure to Israel together - meeting Mark and playing summer06. Margalit and I in boston & staying after on New Years. My ability to tell Katie any and everything; proof reading Hannah's college essay over and over; Sara and mine boy situations everchanging and usually in sync. Individual connections always flowing like the giant web of USY hookups.
I didnt realize til right now how much I miss them. How I wonder if they look at me differently; if maybe I'm not as stable and a little more out of control? If they miss me like I miss them. Cooking with them. Of course my mom feels left out...she was close with all of them too. Despite my sweethearts; my dance girls & crew boys; and my Aphi -- i think these kids really know me in a whole other way that is so special. Took me 2 years of college to realize it...I wish I had one around all the time..It's kinda scary that people I meet will never know the importance they have in my life. That theyre still in my speedial, just waiting to be called. I'm gonna try and visit all these Wheels kids this semester abroad..maybe cal Randi tomorow. Jeez who knew.
I'll look back on all this and remember how I'm the luckiest girl with some of the best friends in the world. Only I could be so lucky to have a nationwide support system. Dont let me forget it.
Current Location: 609
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06:01 pm
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off
i heard once that artists experience more feelings than most people - so that they can share it with the world; so that they can understand everyone's pain.
i dont know if thats true or if its just some hormone imbalance..a rush of too many feelings.
it feels like its been so long since ive recieved a text that didnt say "what are you doing tonight" like the only thing people think im good at is goingout. and while i pride myself on my drinking skills and my outgoingness..i sometimes just feel like im not even good at that anymore. its been so long since ive met someone new. i just feel so off. i feel like im not good enough anymore. or pretty enough defniitally. like tis been so long since people have actually wanted to get to know me.
i miss summer. i miss being in the house. i miss the crew.
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03:53 am
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every post with a 4 am entry..
everytime im on here, funny how i wish i wrote more. as if me writing would soothe my thoughts, relieve my stress or even help my writing..
but i only believe those things because they're true. my writing waivers when i cant find my voice. i loss my inspiration when i dont practice. and even though i can write paper after paper, they could easily lose the spark i find in my own reflections..
another year begining. so much the same and so much different.
im in a homesick mood...feeling doubtful about every deciision im making, every one i've made.
i go through these phases every couple of months or maybe my hormones are too skewed for me to stay on track. but regardless im ready for some stability, yet im not sure how.
maybe i will start writing again. in one way or another. if theres anything to be proud of it's my voice..if only i can find it again
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04:07 am
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insomniac still
i'm old
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