Yes I Have A Life
Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Melanie" journal:
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Love is not an accident|
I think about all of them in my life and the way they've passed through.
Whether I want to name it to a source or being or just know it was for a reason, finding the reason never took me too long.
Each relationship has functioned as a dual purpose. For each way I've grown or changed, I saw what it did to my counerpart.
There were rough breaks, our separations never finely or clearly cut, but I like to think we've all come out better.
Jereme learning how to care; wanting to care for someone; finding what is now a long, stable relationship.
David vowing never to treat a woman that way again.
Dan pursuing his dreams, living the adventure he always wanted.
Sean.. not sure, but likely successfully standing up for himself, learning how he is, severing cancerous ties.
I like to think I'm giving a gift to him too. That one of my initial thoughts was all the ways I'm helping him with his next lady is not such a validating thought. I think when he's ready, when we move on, he'll be so much stronger, sharpened, honed, my craftmanship at it again molding boys into the best versions of themselves, to be taken by the next ready and willing individual, their rightful person.
I just keep wondering if I will ever get the permission I'm looking for. Or if I'll reach capacity on my own. Soon down the line, someone will tell me: I knew it. But most of my friends won't. Most of them, can't understand, can't see past what is happening right now, what I'm enjoying right now.
I'm realizing the gift I have now, to see what it can look like from the other side. Stable. Experimental. Easy. So so easy. Comforting.
I remember the nerves and the butterflies and the whole body consuming obsession though that I've felt a few times in my life. I think I feel my soul opening blockading the advances, acknolweding this is not right, my gut subtly every so often reminding me that it's there, on minor alert, beeping its uncomfort.
I keep reviewing conversions, learning about people who make the decision.
But I always wanted a man who knew it, learned it, lived it, loved it. Who is the Jewish patriach. Who knows a Kosher home is in his future and that the holidays are a time we'll have to split amongst our large, sweeping extended family.
Someone who is kind and smart and funny and understanding and who I share a mutual love of health and food - is cool. But is it enough?
My deepest value is related to my faith. Akin to my feelings about friends and family. I'd like to think that maybe as I age it will change, but likely, it will only get deeper. This is the most shallow part of my faith - but I want to return as I have a family. And I want a partner who can help with that.
It's never been an option to intermix. Never a doubt.
I believe in tests and obstacles and overcoming. I believe that some challenges are teachable moments. Maybe I could be strong enough to bring someone new in. Like that's my mission, how it's always been, to continue to teach.
Then I think about how at home I felt with the music, witih Wheels, with people who understand how cool and normal and fun it is to be participating. Who want to carry it on. So that's the home I want to feel.
I know eventually I will give something up to be with a partner. Maybe job distinction, family, attitude, warmth, attractiveness, prestige, background or history. But I don't think it can be Judiasm. It just is too important.
Current Location: Chi apt 2
I'm overwhelmed by memories from this house.
- Walking through the neighborhood during the summer of 2003 and just sitting on the porch outside until 4 in the morning talking about life.
- Bringing friends through the back into the basement
- 17 friends from Wheels staying over all over the house, cooking Shabbat dinner together and almost burning the house down
- My mom raising us on our own
- When our parents were still married and when they were living together when we were separated
- my 2nd, 3rd and 4th grade birthday parties: sleep over in the basement, water party with manny
- our kitchen and basement remodel
- When I left for college and didn't live at home anymore
- When i came home in 2010 confused about life
- Ariana staying at our house for every break
- Sam and Jenny coming to the burbs to hang out with the ZBTs
- Megan sleeping over during mustache bash and black wednesday with outrageous priscilla
- when the crew first assembled
- randi visiting
- randi, the crew hanging out in the basement
- the crew's first party - and those that followed that first summer
- Josh driving the police insane
- Banner sleep over and party where we all got together and bonded, even our bosses
- Dance girls baking together in the kitchen
- laying out with rachel in summer 2011 and 2012
- Grandma and Grandpa bringing Bramble
- Tippy first arrive at the house, killing mice in the house, staying outside for days, sleeping on our beds
- Us all growing up and going through high school
- watching power rangers after coming home from school in elementary school
- walking to the bus stop in high school and elementary
- walking to school when I was late for assignments and in trouble
- pulling all nighters working on projects
- Jewish holidays, Thanksgiving at the house
- watching Saturday morning shows
- the original grey cabinets that held our old old blankets
- when we bought the blue couch
- losing my virginity on the floor to Dan
- When Jordan came over and kissed me on the couch, in the kitchen and in the bathroom
- Kissing David on our lawn in the back after smoking with josh
- when Mark would come over on thursdays and lay in the living room
- Jereme's visit and coming for Prom and coming to school with me and getting dragged all around Buffalo Grove
- all the photos I took with my big mirror
- the night i left for college and everyone came over - had time with jamie and jordan and my girl friends at the time
- working on psych projects with tats
- when the loft had the play house init
- when alpha phis came over before we went abroad and had snacks, drinks and giggles
- the morning after the banner aprty when our cleaning lady showed up
- when katie // elle would hook up in our guest bedroom in the bedroom in 2003
- when i went on my first date in freshman year
- typing on the computer in the den in early high school in between lap tops and uploading photos and keeping in touch via LJ
- tippy keeping me awake with meowing and coming in and out of the room
- being alone thursday nights
- When Dan came into town - st pattys 2010 for a night, 4th of july 2011, april and june 2012 and we fought
- my 20th birthday after the cubs game with david and when i wouldnt let him buy me a shirt and we came back to my room and it smelled like him
- when i left for study abroad and we went out almost all night and had a sad goodbye and i wrote him that plane letter in bed in tears
- the first night i came home from wheels and missed my friends
- when i got a full size bed and then it caught fire a few days later
- rearranging my room in 2012 so i had more room by closet
- When Sean visited in May and had shabbat dinner with my family
- our first few sukkah's
- Yechiels 30th anniversary party at the house and being on the phone for an informational interview that never panned out
- Hannah's wedding shabbat dinner
- when mom got married and Y moved in and the house changed plates and koshers
- learning to cook and bake and then do it healthily
- writing diaries in elementary school
- when joshs friends were hooking up outside my door in that party
- rachel's brownie day
- nye 2010 when megi and ariana slept over at the end of the night and we had to pick up elle from downtown
Perhaps there is no one way to closure. Maybe though I used to believe so strongly in baring my all and sharing what went wrong and rehashing events and sharing my hurt, it can't always work.
Maybe there will sometimes be parties who won't be okay with it.
Or you wait too long to get it.
I've thought before that there's a preliminary period for closure or getting back together, a certain period of time where feelings are fresh enough for you to prey on someone's discontent or sympathy. And then after that, it's been too long. You're too late. It's too silly to rehash something so hold.
So if I never get to tell him all these things I felt or all the ways I hurt...will I be ok? I guess. I guess maybe it's better telling the people in my life who really care and really listen rather than someone who won't know what to do with my truths.
Maybe Hopefully Probably none of it will matter one day because it will just be one small pang in a much more beautiful and grander scheme. What do I hope to gain by making someone feel bad about themselves and understanding why they hurt me?
It's the kind of thing the emotional in me cares about but understands doesn't matter. I'm strong enough to be ok with out it. I've been okay.
And more than being okay, I'm strong and mature and SMART enough to exist with someone like this not like how I am with kids from my high school - needlessly intimidated, not myself, clustered into cliques -- but as my true self, my happiest, best foot forward self.
Today I am ok with the roads diverging not because I need to be or I accept it but because it just feels unnecessary to bend myself to accommodate someone who just doesn't care enough. I've heard it over and over, if someone really loves you like that, they don't do these things, when someone actually cares for you, all these fights don't happen. We only fought because he just didn't care enough for how much I did. And unfortunately, that either goes to how he feels about our friendship, or friendships in general or life. Who knows.
I do know though that I will have more. Because I see now what I am capable of giving. And this real person of mine may not have it all that I wanted - maybe not the ideal background, or cute story, or years of friendship, or career path, whatever - but they should see that emotional, loving side of mine and give to me, be aware of my happiness and understand that what I give them is enough, is more than enough, is enough that I try so I am never made to feel unworthy.
And for as empowered as I feel right now, in the back of my mind, I can only hope that as I heal from myself, by myself, with visions of feeling completed by someone else, that many many years from now at most I finally get that closure from him where he tells me he did it wrong. I hope it doesn't take him a few screwy relationships or divorces or mistakes to understand, but I also hope he doesn't get it right right away. I had to earn and learn my happiness.
My tough, windey path probably isn't for everyone. But every step I take forward, I look back at the rough road behind me and beam with pride.
24 year old me|
That thing they say about changing in your 20s seems to be true.
I feel so different than that girl on the cruise or in that relationship; I feel so far from my wild and impulsive times with Sean; I can't remember not going to work or going to the gym and just partying like in college.
But I see it in the small ways I interact too.
I"m a quieter professional, not as silly, or immediately outgoing - much more careful while I feel my bearings.
I am competitive and maybe even athletic, maybe even not afraid to do competitions or try new sports. But I especially I realize I find passion in high intensity sports like weight lifting and boxing and dancing. Maybe I'm more fit than I know.
I am responsible in some ways but of course still lazy. Being able to stay sober or manage projects or engage with important stakeholders.
What I want has changed: I'm looking for someone who can accept my highly developed and intuitive emotional self. I love looking at and playing with babies.
I look good in glasses. Maybe even play up the glasses, hipster, librarian look.
I am less afraid to pick up and go. I am more afraid of scary things like cancer and death and accidents.
I have learned how to train my body. My writing style is evolving - some ways learning the new concepts of news writing, some ways forgetting my free form stream of consciousness.
I question every connection to Dan and have put enough distance that in some ways he is just an idea.
I spend way too much time looking at screens.
I know how to handle myself when all things go wrong. when being polite is proper.
I am feisty and aggressive and angry in ways I have forgotten.
I realize I have been highly emotional my whole life and that my biggest trait has alwayas been empathy and being very aware of what others were thinking and feeling - especially of me.
I am trying to put one finger on my dreams at a time.
I am 24 and maturing -- finally. Instead of being 21 going on 18.
I am strong. I can be strong. I will be strong.
Friendship after it all|
The past almost 6 weeks have been good to me.
They have been what I needed. I have come back to my skin, found the pieces of myself that I had hidden or washed away for some time. I've been challenging myself and enjoying life and experiencing new excitement.
But even though I think I can accept that we're not mean to be, I realize I do not like life in a world where he is not in it. I am much too stubborn and loyal friend. There is a reason why I will never lose all my friends or why I return to long lost friendships over and over, even forgetting the small annoyances. My friendship is real and fierce and I can't let go- I am too nostalgic, too sentimental and I care too much.
Maybe that's why the pain hit me today so hard. For the past few weeks I'd been told repeatedly how great I"d been doing, you couldn't even tell I was a girl who was going through a break up. I went out and traveled and was full of life and love and hope. I drafted many letters filled with bullet points dedicated to my anger or to hoping for some reconciliation .
But today it hit me. Like a thought that had been waiting and waiting it's time to be recognized, biding its time before it could make itself known. Thinking as I usually do about my friends and their relationships. Something struck me about him. He is contained - cool and calm and calculated to the world - whether at work or with his friends. Everything he says and does is a reflection on how he can be perceived. And that is why his anger pops like it is a bout to explode at just the last minute. He contains until the top explodes and it closes once again. But I am anything but contained. My twin Gemini sides - one wild, crazy, adventurous and yes even a little messy; the other mature, sentimental, caring and emotional. I am full of thoughts and emotions that I don't want to contain because they make me who I am. And all those months spent quietly stayed in, taking care of his rest or being aware of his schedule kept me contained within in my own thoughts. And all the times I had to side step around his emotions, careful not to scare him with too large a display of affection or emotion, bottled up inside me until I exploded with emotional outbursts over and over.
Today it hit me: this intrinsic problem of ours. Something bigger than wrong relationship at the wrong time. This neared closer on wrong person.
And that made it easier to forgive him. To be great to the outside world when I was living life without him. But also permission to be great when I am living life withhim still as my friend.
I've been struggling to catch my breath lately. I've reached for my inhaler because realizations snatch my oxygen straight away from me, leaving me physically gasping for air so I can ponder just the vastness of life; just how simple my joys are.
And in between one of my inhaler tirades I realized how lonely my life would be without him. I mean in some ways it shouldnt be. I have best friends and there will be other men and in between the distance in where we lived and the distance in the walls he (mostly) put up, we never neared on quite the deepest level of connection. But I need him. I need him in the way I think of my college roommates or Jereme. I need someone to keep me linked to the past. To remind me I didn't put in all that time for nothing. I know he is in my life for a reason. Over the years, I've kept returning to one moment on the phone in my Buffalo Grove kitchen, laughing to him saying "Won't it be weird when we're 26 and don't talk anymore." Or I replay the time senior year he casually mentioned in passing "No I don't talk to too many other girls / friends from college." and even though I always thought these statemenst were just an ironic statement, omnious for our obvious future together. Today maybe I missed him so much because I realized that it doesn't have to be that. I just need him. The friendship of ours that is sometimes simple and superficial and silly; but with walls that have long been more and more transparent so that when I need him most to be honest to be real and raw with life's emotions, he will.
Frankly, as much as I could. As much as I will that's how it all goes down. If okay, eventually our paths shift. For now, staring at the phone waiting for it to change isn't enough. I want his friendship.
on optimism and my half orange|
With more clarity today, it occurs to me I've let my optimism slide a bit these days. I have been seeing the bad pile up these days and since our break, I have felt a weight off my shoulder. I have also been sad and confused and hurt and angry, but not too lost.
It occurs to me that I need to get my optimism back. I need to focus my energy on achieving who I want to be so I can bring my best self into my relationship - with whomever is next.
In order for me to feel like my best self, some things have stayed on the right course: I want to remain healthy and active, lifting weights, stretching, sprinting, maybe dancing or yoga. Something that makes me feel strong and powerful. Something that makes my body look delicious.
In order for me to be my best self, I have to focus on finding my next job, my dream career and my own apartment. While I have so much love to give, the more confused I am about my identity, I think the less I have to bring into a relationship. I think my relationship will thrive when I feel more settled into my life and into who I am.
I know I will thrive in a relationship because I have so much love to give. I want love because I am a great girlfriend, I am a loving and caring friend and partner. I am a wonderful listener and great caretaker and open and communicative individual. Someone out there wants those qualities and will appreciate them in me. I want to give. I want to be taken care of. I want to be part of a team. Us against the world.
my relationship will include traveling and adventures. It will keep me challenged and laughing. It will be full of desire. I will be at my best in that I will be thoughtful, optimistic, ready for anything - but also well-planned, I will be self-confident and at ease in my skin. I will feel proud of who I am and proud of my partner. I will be strong even when I feel weak. And I will maintain the same infatuation with the other people - my friends and family - in my life. It doesn't need to be lovey dovey and I don't need to be walking on air or staring into eyes, it just needs to be my own form of partnership. Someone who jokes with me and gets me and is there. I will be confident in our love even if things are going of the cliff. He will make my happiness a priority - even if my priorirty is his happiness - he will always reassure me I did well.
To achieve these things, I will have to be at home in my life. Comfort with my body; at peace with my job and living situation and in total love with my friends and family and hobbies. At most times in the past 2 years, I've had two out of three. Now I'd like them all. I think the more I focus on feeling this love with my life, the love of my life will come. And I will be ready - whoever he is. Even if one of my wishes, is that it is someone in particular.
we're both confused|
There are two parts in me right now.
The part that is not that upset because it's been leading up to this for a while, maybe it's not meant to be.
And the part of me that is not that upset because it is meant to be and it will just have to wait.
I miss him and I don't miss him all at once.
My life is wracked with change I am actively avoiding. ACTIVELY avoiding my to dos. Maybe once I begin addressing them, the rest will fall into place.
I keep thinking about all the things I want to do with him. All the experiences we still have yet to have.
That this change will let me to coast until a giant crash. Probably him with someone else.
I'm just praying this works out in my favor. Whatever that favor is.
While I can't imagine any one else, I don't know what choice I have.
He's in denial right?
Why else is his thought process so hard to understand?
Some things make sense
- the candles
-not wanting to skype
-staying away from sexting
-feeling insecure about his inability to get me off
-talking about doing cardio
-talking about "looking good" contracts
-not complimenting me
-me having to remind him to be nice
I never would have thought this would be our downfall. I feel so shattered to know that it is and even worse to know how much I embarrassed myself and pressured to get him to this place.
I appreciate and respect how he cares for me.
I want him to get past this. But I'm realistic.
I waited for one day with patience for us to work it out.
And I'm thankful for every opportunity that we had.
I hate that we may have to cut it short. But I'm promising myself I will be ok.
Whether or not it means I will be in denial, I will be okay.
But please, PS universe. Don't let me lose him. Don't let him lose me. I want this more than I've wanted anything, ever. I love him too much.
I finally found the letter i've been searching for these past 3 years.
The letter I wanted to prove to me how I've grown or to reevaluate where I've come from.
And I finally found it. Hidden in my old Israeli journal, in a drawer I never open.
The first time I read the letter, I was dissatisfied. I think I wanted more love confessions from him; I wanted to hear why he liked me; I wanted more apologizes.
But today I read it and it was perfect.
It was everything Melanie in 2009 couldn't understand or didn't want to understand.
He told me he would miss me. And he meant it.
He reminded me of my ability to meet people and make friends and be the social butterfly (which apparently I forgot while I was there)..
HE was the insecure one that I would meet someone or that we wouldn't be friends after...which I guess we weren't.
And he told me how much he realized he messed up. And how he was going to make up for it with his semester abroad. Which I guess he did. He made up for it by treating the next girl with everything he had. He really became how he was supposed to be. Because he wanted to.
On the one hand, part of me will always be salty that I primed him and shipped him out to be scooped up as someone else's dream guy. But I'm really happy that I read it.
I probably placed too much blame on him at one point.
I'm really proud of him and how he turned out.
I guess it only took 3 years.
Stream of Consciousness Recap|
These 8 months feel strangely like this is the longest I have gone without some sort of mental note to myself on this forum.
Fortunately, I have a new blog, countless notes and word docs to document what has been missing here.
And how funny, how I left it here.
In the middle of the triangle.
Right at the tipping point.
When the scale had just started to slip...back into Dan's favor.
6 months that I've called him my own.
And the whirlwind that was our start still makes me smile when I miss how freaking exciting it was to know how much he cared and how much he wanted to be a part of it.
We may not be in a perfect place.
But I still miss him daily.
And when I think of how much I smiled on our vacation together or how hard he hugged me when I was upset during my last visit...I'm reminded that we are in a good place for now.
I want to hold onto this more than I've wanted to hold onto anything, ever.
But I can't have that luxury yet.
I learned my last trip that my priority right now needs to me my own wants and goals. Even if it just means writing a little blurb everyday, I need to keep my mind whirling away -lest it get caught up and take me back to the land of daydreams.
The uncertanties gnaw at me more than I wish I could admit. By this I allude to the same things I wrote about 15 months ago. "Where do I fit into his life equation?" We make no promises or future plans - save for a few hypothetical funny conversations here and there. And the thought of him up and leaving to travel for several months scares me. As does his even furthur delving into grad school.
But you know, I can't really warp my thinking around potential far off future plans. Because who knows how it will go down. (I keep reminding myself this.)
Really, the positive approach I keep in my mind now is that we are together now. From 2 years ago from when he first made me realize that he liked me to 1 year ago when we were barely speaking. To now, where he could have opted out at any time. He could have walked away because of the distance or crazy behavior or boredom. But he didn't. And I don't want to either.
I think the fact that we've known each other for so long makes me want to jump further ahead than any other natural couple at 6 months. I don't compare anymore. I can't.
But I am so grateful and I hope I will always be this grateful for this point in my life where we are together. Because now I will always know what it was like. These first few months were hard. But damn, they really meant something too.
Ps. 8 years ago, I was listening to "one call away" because it was new. And a few weeks ago, I'm pretty sure I put it on my sex playlist. How some songs just never fail to take you back/ make you want to laugh.
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