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Stream of Consciousness Recap - Yes I Have A Life
March 22nd, 2012
01:02 am


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Stream of Consciousness Recap
These 8 months feel strangely like this is the longest I have gone without some sort of mental note to myself on this forum.
Fortunately, I have a new blog, countless notes and word docs to document what has been missing here.

And how funny, how I left it here.
In the middle of the triangle.
Right at the tipping point.
When the scale had just started to slip...back into Dan's favor.

6 months that I've called him my own.
And the whirlwind that was our start still makes me smile when I miss how freaking exciting it was to know how much he cared and how much he wanted to be a part of it.

We may not be in a perfect place.
But I still miss him daily.
And when I think of how much I smiled on our vacation together or how hard he hugged me when I was upset during my last visit...I'm reminded that we are in a good place for now.

I want to hold onto this more than I've wanted to hold onto anything, ever.
But I can't have that luxury yet.

I learned my last trip that my priority right now needs to me my own wants and goals. Even if it just means writing a little blurb everyday, I need to keep my mind whirling away -lest it get caught up and take me back to the land of daydreams.
The uncertanties gnaw at me more than I wish I could admit. By this I allude to the same things I wrote about 15 months ago. "Where do I fit into his life equation?" We make no promises or future plans - save for a few hypothetical funny conversations here and there. And the thought of him up and leaving to travel for several months scares me. As does his even furthur delving into grad school.

But you know, I can't really warp my thinking around potential far off future plans. Because who knows how it will go down. (I keep reminding myself this.)

Really, the positive approach I keep in my mind now is that we are together now. From 2 years ago from when he first made me realize that he liked me to 1 year ago when we were barely speaking. To now, where he could have opted out at any time. He could have walked away because of the distance or crazy behavior or boredom. But he didn't. And I don't want to either.

I think the fact that we've known each other for so long makes me want to jump further ahead than any other natural couple at 6 months. I don't compare anymore. I can't.

But I am so grateful and I hope I will always be this grateful for this point in my life where we are together. Because now I will always know what it was like. These first few months were hard. But damn, they really meant something too.

Ps. 8 years ago, I was listening to "one call away" because it was new. And a few weeks ago, I'm pretty sure I put it on my sex playlist. How some songs just never fail to take you back/ make you want to laugh.

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