With more clarity today, it occurs to me I've let my optimism slide a bit these days. I have been seeing the bad pile up these days and since our break, I have felt a weight off my shoulder. I have also been sad and confused and hurt and angry, but not too lost.
It occurs to me that I need to get my optimism back. I need to focus my energy on achieving who I want to be so I can bring my best self into my relationship - with whomever is next.
In order for me to feel like my best self, some things have stayed on the right course: I want to remain healthy and active, lifting weights, stretching, sprinting, maybe dancing or yoga. Something that makes me feel strong and powerful. Something that makes my body look delicious.
In order for me to be my best self, I have to focus on finding my next job, my dream career and my own apartment. While I have so much love to give, the more confused I am about my identity, I think the less I have to bring into a relationship. I think my relationship will thrive when I feel more settled into my life and into who I am.
I know I will thrive in a relationship because I have so much love to give. I want love because I am a great girlfriend, I am a loving and caring friend and partner. I am a wonderful listener and great caretaker and open and communicative individual. Someone out there wants those qualities and will appreciate them in me. I want to give. I want to be taken care of. I want to be part of a team. Us against the world.
my relationship will include traveling and adventures. It will keep me challenged and laughing. It will be full of desire. I will be at my best in that I will be thoughtful, optimistic, ready for anything - but also well-planned, I will be self-confident and at ease in my skin. I will feel proud of who I am and proud of my partner. I will be strong even when I feel weak. And I will maintain the same infatuation with the other people - my friends and family - in my life. It doesn't need to be lovey dovey and I don't need to be walking on air or staring into eyes, it just needs to be my own form of partnership. Someone who jokes with me and gets me and is there. I will be confident in our love even if things are going of the cliff. He will make my happiness a priority - even if my priorirty is his happiness - he will always reassure me I did well.
To achieve these things, I will have to be at home in my life. Comfort with my body; at peace with my job and living situation and in total love with my friends and family and hobbies. At most times in the past 2 years, I've had two out of three. Now I'd like them all. I think the more I focus on feeling this love with my life, the love of my life will come. And I will be ready - whoever he is. Even if one of my wishes, is that it is someone in particular.