The past almost 6 weeks have been good to me.
They have been what I needed. I have come back to my skin, found the pieces of myself that I had hidden or washed away for some time. I've been challenging myself and enjoying life and experiencing new excitement.
But even though I think I can accept that we're not mean to be, I realize I do not like life in a world where he is not in it. I am much too stubborn and loyal friend. There is a reason why I will never lose all my friends or why I return to long lost friendships over and over, even forgetting the small annoyances. My friendship is real and fierce and I can't let go- I am too nostalgic, too sentimental and I care too much.
Maybe that's why the pain hit me today so hard. For the past few weeks I'd been told repeatedly how great I"d been doing, you couldn't even tell I was a girl who was going through a break up. I went out and traveled and was full of life and love and hope. I drafted many letters filled with bullet points dedicated to my anger or to hoping for some reconciliation .
But today it hit me. Like a thought that had been waiting and waiting it's time to be recognized, biding its time before it could make itself known. Thinking as I usually do about my friends and their relationships. Something struck me about him. He is contained - cool and calm and calculated to the world - whether at work or with his friends. Everything he says and does is a reflection on how he can be perceived. And that is why his anger pops like it is a bout to explode at just the last minute. He contains until the top explodes and it closes once again. But I am anything but contained. My twin Gemini sides - one wild, crazy, adventurous and yes even a little messy; the other mature, sentimental, caring and emotional. I am full of thoughts and emotions that I don't want to contain because they make me who I am. And all those months spent quietly stayed in, taking care of his rest or being aware of his schedule kept me contained within in my own thoughts. And all the times I had to side step around his emotions, careful not to scare him with too large a display of affection or emotion, bottled up inside me until I exploded with emotional outbursts over and over.
Today it hit me: this intrinsic problem of ours. Something bigger than wrong relationship at the wrong time. This neared closer on wrong person.
And that made it easier to forgive him. To be great to the outside world when I was living life without him. But also permission to be great when I am living life withhim still as my friend.
I've been struggling to catch my breath lately. I've reached for my inhaler because realizations snatch my oxygen straight away from me, leaving me physically gasping for air so I can ponder just the vastness of life; just how simple my joys are.
And in between one of my inhaler tirades I realized how lonely my life would be without him. I mean in some ways it shouldnt be. I have best friends and there will be other men and in between the distance in where we lived and the distance in the walls he (mostly) put up, we never neared on quite the deepest level of connection. But I need him. I need him in the way I think of my college roommates or Jereme. I need someone to keep me linked to the past. To remind me I didn't put in all that time for nothing. I know he is in my life for a reason. Over the years, I've kept returning to one moment on the phone in my Buffalo Grove kitchen, laughing to him saying "Won't it be weird when we're 26 and don't talk anymore." Or I replay the time senior year he casually mentioned in passing "No I don't talk to too many other girls / friends from college." and even though I always thought these statemenst were just an ironic statement, omnious for our obvious future together. Today maybe I missed him so much because I realized that it doesn't have to be that. I just need him. The friendship of ours that is sometimes simple and superficial and silly; but with walls that have long been more and more transparent so that when I need him most to be honest to be real and raw with life's emotions, he will.
Frankly, as much as I could. As much as I will that's how it all goes down. If okay, eventually our paths shift. For now, staring at the phone waiting for it to change isn't enough. I want his friendship.