I think about all of them in my life and the way they've passed through.
Whether I want to name it to a source or being or just know it was for a reason, finding the reason never took me too long.
Each relationship has functioned as a dual purpose. For each way I've grown or changed, I saw what it did to my counerpart.
There were rough breaks, our separations never finely or clearly cut, but I like to think we've all come out better.
Jereme learning how to care; wanting to care for someone; finding what is now a long, stable relationship.
David vowing never to treat a woman that way again.
Dan pursuing his dreams, living the adventure he always wanted.
Sean.. not sure, but likely successfully standing up for himself, learning how he is, severing cancerous ties.
I like to think I'm giving a gift to him too. That one of my initial thoughts was all the ways I'm helping him with his next lady is not such a validating thought. I think when he's ready, when we move on, he'll be so much stronger, sharpened, honed, my craftmanship at it again molding boys into the best versions of themselves, to be taken by the next ready and willing individual, their rightful person.
I just keep wondering if I will ever get the permission I'm looking for. Or if I'll reach capacity on my own. Soon down the line, someone will tell me: I knew it. But most of my friends won't. Most of them, can't understand, can't see past what is happening right now, what I'm enjoying right now.
I'm realizing the gift I have now, to see what it can look like from the other side. Stable. Experimental. Easy. So so easy. Comforting.
I remember the nerves and the butterflies and the whole body consuming obsession though that I've felt a few times in my life. I think I feel my soul opening blockading the advances, acknolweding this is not right, my gut subtly every so often reminding me that it's there, on minor alert, beeping its uncomfort.
I keep reviewing conversions, learning about people who make the decision.
But I always wanted a man who knew it, learned it, lived it, loved it. Who is the Jewish patriach. Who knows a Kosher home is in his future and that the holidays are a time we'll have to split amongst our large, sweeping extended family.
Someone who is kind and smart and funny and understanding and who I share a mutual love of health and food - is cool. But is it enough?
My deepest value is related to my faith. Akin to my feelings about friends and family. I'd like to think that maybe as I age it will change, but likely, it will only get deeper. This is the most shallow part of my faith - but I want to return as I have a family. And I want a partner who can help with that.
It's never been an option to intermix. Never a doubt.
I believe in tests and obstacles and overcoming. I believe that some challenges are teachable moments. Maybe I could be strong enough to bring someone new in. Like that's my mission, how it's always been, to continue to teach.
Then I think about how at home I felt with the music, witih Wheels, with people who understand how cool and normal and fun it is to be participating. Who want to carry it on. So that's the home I want to feel.
I know eventually I will give something up to be with a partner. Maybe job distinction, family, attitude, warmth, attractiveness, prestige, background or history. But I don't think it can be Judiasm. It just is too important.