Yes I Have A Life
Below are 10 entries, after skipping 10 most recent ones in the "Melanie" journal:
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Sometimes I think you’re more of a romantic than you think you are.
Or maybe you know you are – and just won’t say it aloud – waiting for someone else to realize it.
But things keep adding up to allude to me that you do care about the small things.
Like counting down till the next time we see each other.
And remembering stupid conversations from 5 years ago.
And treasuring moments I’ve let run away.
And by doing things that you know will make me smile.
By popping up on my Facebook when I could least expect it .
By making me squirm and think and challenging me in our conversations.
By bringing up inside jokes that probably expired last year but never fail to produce a giggle.
By the flowers and the vague note and the slight hint of a surprise…letting it build up for me.
By sending me a smile – a kind of smile I’m not even sure you realize you’re sending with so much warmth and genuine excitement – that it never fails to send a tingle through my chest.
Even when I think I’m resigned to dealing with a cool, calm visit – somehow one look sends me the answers to questions I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
That’s how I see you.
and even though its scary and even though it may wind up poorly, i don't see any reason for me to give anything less than all I can, when I can. I will try not to hold back and play games. I will try to represent my true self. Because if that's not a piece of me you can handle, then what's the point? from now on, game on.
Contrast round II |
I'd consider Sean my first grown up real serious thing. Being with him was me for the first time getting loved the way I wanted and giving love without abandon. It was me making efforts for someone else because I wanted them to be happier.
The stream of constant communication, the trying of new things, the openness and excited-ness left me in a frequent daydream. The roller coaster of the daydream was so enlightening. I realize now, looking back on my requests, that it was what i'd always dreamed of. Someone gave me so much hope and I unleashed without abandon. It was so easy to give to someone who let me know what they wanted, who told me what they were thinking, who was real beyond words.
But it was almost a tease because the things that leapt my heart a fluttering were taken away. I felt like I finally GOT it. I made the realization. I got what I'd been waiting for. And then he changed. Became distant. Dropped off. Became consumed by new amusements. And these days, the level of bonding is far flung so that I'm not even quite sure where I stand anymore. And because he put me in a position with so much entitlement and feelings of comfort, when it changed, i wanted to confront the issue. I wanted to demand more.
I still haven't though.
And now I wonder is being with Dan like giving him what I had in college? have I moved on to the next sort of step? With someone who gets the real world biz? Where asking and challenging takes precedence over cute and cuddly.
My head hurts just thinking about it.
Heart Shift II |
"Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I lived in DC.."
"I missed you"
"I was thinking 'why am i at this lame party when I could be watching fireworks with you'"
"there's no one else i'd rather be with right now"
"that makes me all asghfd..jealous...is that bad? "
"i dont think i want to hear about these guys"
"i thought you were saving yourself for me?"
"i like to hang out with people who are different than me or who mellow me out"
"I had a really good time with you"
"I came here for you, you know?"
"I wanted to do something special for your birthday - especially because you hate it."
"Did you miss me? "
"How many guys have you really gotten to know? 3? ..."
"We used to tell each other about our lives."
"That's how I was as a freshman"
"Do I make you laugh more than other guys? I"m competitive."
"When am I not nice to you?"
"I emotionally blue balled you?" "This made up for NYC"
"But really - I had a great time with you."
"And now for the tough question - when are we going to see eachother again?"
On the one hand, kissing him gives me little tingles in a way that no one has in a really long time. The kind of quick fleeting shivers down your back, butterflies in your stomach. I feel like we could laugh and laugh and giggle like little kids. The sort of teasing and comfort that only comes after knowing someone for a long time - no matter how well you may know everything about them. And I could kiss him and not want to stop. Because he's right, he's good at it.
On the other, I know he's still a boy. There's so much left for him to grow up and become. When I look into his eyes, I see someone 5 years longer - the gaze of someone still 17. The way we communicate, get passionate and live are radically different. And after being with someone new whose so radically open and communicative and open to talking about me and for me and complimentive, well it's hard to change back.
But my feelings never ever fail to return. I can play it ambivalent or coy or disintersted and by the end of the trip, there I am, head in the clouds, day dreaming away.
It's harder to be a part from him. Like we have 2 roles we play: together and apart. And we mostly don't even pretend that they can overlap. Because they don't?
I keep going back and forth on "how it is supposed to feel." He's not the guy I can "do anything with." He's not ready to come to shabbat dinners or hand-hold through museums or talk about families or far flung futures or politics or religion. He's a book with pages that turn slowly, each word carefully examined before going to the next chapter. But he's also constant laughs and an undeniable connection. A hidden stream connecting us and never letting go.
He's a process. A destination. An "eventually."
But can I handle the process? Can I teach him how to please me? Keep me interested? Grow with me?
Why is it that I can't express myself as well to him? Why am I so embarrassed to? Why do I feel like he doesn't completely get me, see my strengths as I want him to? Why can't I delve in with him? I wonder: am I my best self with him? Do I strive for more? Or do I strive to be cooler?
I fear we will never move out and on and grow.
When I first got together with Sean, a notion in the back of my head told me that perhaps Sean was in my life to teach me. To teach me how to be a stronger, more effective communicator. To teach me how to open up and let my guard down. To teach me how to be my most primal self. And that all this learning would come back with me to Dan. And in some ways, it does. The lessons do stick.
But now I realize I am two different people with them. And being with them is as different as can be. So what's right and wrong? Playing house and sympathetic? Making fun and laying around? With Dan, I don't DO much. We can't tackle the city. We can barely hold hands.
But being curled up with him on the sidewalk, in my car, in my bed felt so right. It felt like it was what I have been waiting for. My inner 16 year old leapt for joy at the fact that I finally won my man. And I really really didn't want to hurt him.
It's a different feeling than the comfort and ease I feel in sharing a bed with Sean. Where it's almost as if we've been doing it our whole life and it just sorta happens.
What does that say about me? That I keep juggling men that are just a tad out of reach? That bring me so much joy but constantly wanting for more? Maybe I want to live in the Honeymoon forever. Maybe I 'm really messed up.
But man, I'm so happy he surprised me. I"m so happy it's back.
Compare and Contrast|
It doesnt feel fair that I'm about to do this.
Numbers/ business/ finance-centered
Raised with orthodox rituals
Hard to get him to open up
Inexperienced in having a girlfriend
Special that he shows an emotional side to me
Friends for 6.5 years, very slowww and steady progression
Been through funny convos/ inside jokes/ youtubes/ etc
Needs the attention, is scared to make the first moves all the time
Still seems excited about prospect of being together/ wants it to work/ spend time together sober for long periods of time/ makes an effort to see each other sporadically
Has been interested in me through it all
Focused on school
Share a sense of style and taste in music - bring out each other's ghetto side
Needs to come out of shell a bit with friends, etc
Doesn't really know how to compliment me
Youngest of 3 boys
Strong family dynamic - seems like it would be awesome to be part of
Well-off and well-educated family but cut off support after graduation
Can't always tell who his friends are anymore
Feel special because he keeps in touch
Number centered like me - countdowns
Loves sports & plays basketball
My sister and friends click with him pretty well
A bit aggressive - prefers to dare me than ask me or show me attention
Still has much to accomplish before feels he can settle down
A bit selfish in his travels
What a good courtship story
Communicative by nature and by strength
Former Israeli soldier
Passion for Israel
Not raised with passion for Judaism that now fosters
Doesn't believe in God
Mood swings - hot and cold
Can't tell what he thinks because always changing, multidimensional in his thinking
Praises me but then disappears
Whirlwind roller coaster for short period of time knowing each other
OCD about being clean
My traditional "type"
Older/ already completed school
Still unsure what want to do with life
Experienced in relationships
But continuously falls out of love
Not ready to reallllly be dating right now & and shouldn't be because needs time to be single
Likes to text
Shaky family dynamic - lots of hurt/ instability there
Close with father
Oldest of an adopted sister, much younger
Comes from a well-off, well-educated family
Outdoorsy and antsy
Hates the beach/ sand
Similar values on raising a family
Brings out a domestic and affectionate side in me
Health conscious and into foodie things
Says he wants to do nice things for me and treat me well
Unsure if his words and actions line up
A bit selfish in his travels
I used to imagine a fun future
Change in Heart?|
Over the years and the heart breaks - and the innate self-reflection - I've picked up how attraction works for me.
Intuitively, I seek men who are cool, fun and chill. The kind that find me and put in a few casual flirtatious pursuits, show their interests but leave it flat-lined. I don't like too much interest at the start - it scares me. I need space at the beginning. Until I begin to fall and am redeemed with a special declaration of love.
But ignore me once I'm crushing? That means trouble.
I can play the ignoring game for much longer than many men or women. For better or worse, you will not find me the first to call. I wait for them to realize and make contact. And then decide how I feel about them and if their interaction is worth my continuing crush.
Because even though I like to stay monogamous, and usually find it very easy to just ride the middle with a guy, I don't like to appear like I'm always there. I like a challenge. And I like to be a challenge. It just sucks to feel like the safe haven for the guy. Like you're just sitting around and waiting for them.
For a guy to have that from me, he must deserve it.
Don't get me wrong. I love to be there for a guy. But he must win me in order to deserve that.
So even though I've been quite up in the air about my independence and what I seek from a relationship, let me be very clear right now the type of love I think I deserve.
I deserve the space to go out with my own friends and do my own thing, without feeling like I need to be with my partner at all times.
But I deserve the comfort to know I'm on someone's mind at random times during the day.
I deserve to have a man follow through with his promises.
I deserve to be treated well -- even though I don't demand it. After all, it makes me wonder, will guys ever CHOOSE to do the nice thing or do they only do so after they get the hint or the demand that it's what you want? Is it so wrong to want a guy who wants to do a nice thing here and there just because he thinks so highly of you? Is it so wrong to want that and have it actually happen?
I deserve open communication, not just in waves.
I deserve to not have to hold the relationship single handily. After all, for me to give myself is such a rare occasion, I simply will not be OK with holding the position for too long. I'd rather peace for a little.
I deserve to feel like I can give all the love and support I can give and feel it is appreciated and wanted.
I hate to feel like such a spoiled little player, but what I'm trying to show is that I think relationships need to be a level playing field.
So much of the "role" I play in relationships - over and over - is the role of the girl who puts up with a lot of shit. The girl who stands by her guy through the stuff that most sane people won't; the girl whose under-appreciated by a guy who is oblivious. I think I'm done with that role. I want to prevent that from happening. I'm ok with ups and downs but respect must be given and won.
I guess I'm maturing to a new stage in life where I do want independence but I want more than just a drunk shack - I'm looking for a partner with mutual love and respect and devotion. Hopefully.
The Next Big One|
This something new is already scaring me with the way it's overwhelming me with intense feelings and emotions.
It would be easy if they were just intense feelings of love or lust, but this has been a bit of a roller coaster in my mind. Every few hours, the thought of how we don't belong together will click in my head, spiraling me out of the moment.
For so much connection, there does feel to be an awful lot of barriers too.
I almost immediately could tell and decided that Sean will be an important figure in my life. I can tell he will be special to me. I just cannot tell yet how.
It seems without question that we fit in this basic, isolated, datecation world. We can play domestic, adventure around town and slowly learn about each other through drives and huddled sheets. But can two busy, working worlds mesh? Can our families unite?
I think my family will accept his love for Judaism and Israel - that albeit different from my view, is strong and powerful just the same. But then I wonder how my friends will react to his personality. He can unquestionably play cool - but he lacks in small talk or frat talk. Could our groups merge completely?
On the flip side, I can tell I blend with his mix of friends. We share Jewish values and they accept my humor and silliness it seems. But could I deal with his family situation? Understanding the problems that come from his family, could I handle a less than perfect structure in my life at all times?
Our interests don't even parallel. But I think I could let him love it. I think I could let him teach me. I think I could let myself make a full of myself. But could I give up lazy days on the beach?
Our communication is so strong for two individuals that only met a month ago. This whirlwind of our fateful meeting strikes something inside me I haven't experienced since meeting Mark or Jordan and immediately jumping based normal boundaries. I like that he challenges me to express myself both affectionately and seriously. I like that my internal sex drive is more tangible and normal and colloquial while still being sexy when we put it into motion.
And even though I feel we have both come through paths in our lives to get to where we are right now, similar and parallel to each other, I find other things still in the way. First, our physical locations. I can see how the job search is frustrating and it's such a personal battle. For every way I want to be there, I can't. I see drive and passion, but I also see a head full of confusion. I wonder how long I could help deal with this search. I wonder if I'd lose faith. I wonder where my life is going and to where. I wonder when and what the next signs are to me. I'm scared about making the career shift. And he is ready to work long hours. When will be able to afford to see each other? Could we wind up in similar cities? Would we want to? Am I ready to jump in without abandon? What about my friends? Am I turning into that girl?
The second is maybe even more important even if logistics aren't the technical matter. And that's are we emotionally ready for this? My heart currently finds itself compartmentalized. I know it's worried about the other tenant because sometimes I treat Sean in a rude matter, perhaps arguing for no reason, maybe only scared, but yes a little hurtful. Sharing feelings for two important yet totally different men is rough on it. I know I don't need to hurry to make a decision - things are evolving and changing - but is it fair to any one? Dan: fratty, analytical, good with numbers, open to feelings but not a whiz with relationships, sexual but without raw passion, very old and familiar but unfamiliar just the same, a constant roller coaster of an evoloving friendship. Sean: outdoorsy, personal, moody, always back and forth, juggling hubbies, passionate and verbal, catching me in a whirlwind with his every move, nearly engaged, older but still not grown completely, so communicative but beyond hard to read completely.
And with Sean, his heart his open to me but I wonder if his mind is. I can tell he is more than going through the motions with me. But his words reflect his ex over and over again. I don't want to push him out of single status too quickly. I like that one girl mildly sandwiches me from his ex but I do believe he needs more time to heel. More time to make memories without her or to remember her importance. Love may fade but the pains from the relationship don't heal easily. He may be over her but he is not quite over the way things went down.
Riding the middle is clearly where I'm most comfortable so this is not hard for me to be in with right now. Pushing right towards a sort of serious nature would definitely be too much too soon. But I feel shaky with the middle for some reason right now. I feel as if we have much left to explore and I cant wait to dive in - while dueley feeling like it's scary to enter something serious with someone older while I'm so young. I don't want to either regret not having youth or regret jumping in something serious only to break up. I've always said I'll make someone my boyfriend when I know it's for real.
We both love being single and being out with our friends, drinking and dancing or flirting a little. But we both are probably happiest with some one on our minds. I've been single for almost two years technically, though my heart has been completely empty for little of it. Could I ever tell Sean about Dan without hurting him? Where is it my place to decide?
The thing is...after being with Sean - who's pros lie in his gentlemanlyness and communication - it's hard for me to imagine my future with Dan. I like Dan's story, I like who he is and his family and his goals and find him an all around interesting person. I like how some of the things he tells to me I take so seriously and find really special and meaningful. But I dont like how it doesnt feel like enough sometimes. I want more than staring and giggling with each other. I want the intimacy that comes from knowing some one so well. And it's intimacy that is the most crucial element in a relationship or marriage. Yes I always wanted to wind up with Dan someday but our lack of intimacy is the reason it's progressed so much slower than it ever had with Jereme or David. Sometimes Sean is so much like Jereme it freaks me out. The Florida accent, the flipflops look, the PDA. I've been over that type of character for a while. But it's back and I sorta like it?
When I was with Jereme, I used to say I loved him because there was no one else I knew like him and it made him so unforgettable and replaceable.
As I fell in with David and Dan (and Jordan,etc), it was Jereme's uniqueness that became a turn off. I wanted a man to fit in with my life, who was like other's I knew because he blend in and click and get it.
Now I'm with Sean who is very unlike much of my friends but who I could imagine would get along well with many of the girls - though it's never easy blending the guys. At least he could get my best friends.
But i love his thoughts of Judiasm. I love his visions for Israel. For his future in Israel. I love his genuine desire to support his loved ones - a huge turn on. I love his openness to one day live in a Kosher home and celebrate the holidays. What I lack in knowledge about Israel, I seem to cover where he lacks in Judiasm. And his love for it comes all on his own. It's so sexy.
But can love for the religion bond two individuals through their other uncompatabilities? To be honest, if you were a scholar I'm guessing you would say Yes. It is the love of Judaism that brought two people together. After all, it is believed that God is what ties a marriage. Maybe that is HIS stamp of approval? It is hard but I do believe this. Discussing Faith, something so personal to me, shared with someone is what I always called a true factor in my marriage or relationship with the person I'm meant to be with. I said "How could I marry someone who doesn't hold value in the things I hold dearest to me? I want a partner on my spiritual journey". I feel so strongly about this it brought me to tears to talk about.
I'm waiting to be shown what's next but I have faith it will come together. I've felt very strongly this year that things will fall into place and I'm where I"m supposed to be to receive my plan. I'm feeling good right now. I'm feeling inspired and ready.
I'm hoping that a force up there shows this man a similar path so I can see whether ours is meant to merge.
Some people work best with little goal reminders, others try to check something off each day. I work best when I'm prepping for a trip. Its usually the only time I do shopping.
Make biz card
Buy new suit n profesh clothes
Have blog put together
Set workout schedule week b4
Be smart abt treats
Restock out dresses/ shoes?
Updsate resume completely
Work on physical n online portfolio
My just-maybe letter to you..|
If I could tell you everything I want to say. I would say..
That I knew it was only a matter of time until you proved me right - you did what everyone told me you'd done to them or their friends..or what even you yourself admitted to.
That in all honesty I wasn't that surprised or phased by it.
But more than that, I was more angry than hurt. Angry because I didn't want to be right. And not hurt because..well..its been harder for me. I've been promised things that never came true. And had to cut out men that were so immersed in my life - my home, my family, my friends, my nights out, almost every memory of 3 years of college - that I felt as if I had to rebuild my life from the start. But you weren't immersed like that. So it didn't hurt like that.
That I'm so thankful for you for being what I needed last year. The positive to my strange year. Something to look forward to when I felt like my life was falling apart - with college ending. Your calls..your voice..your texts..your visits helped more than you realize during a time I really was unhappy with myself and felt like the worst possible version of myself. The fact that you were there..and liked me for it..I desperately needed and thank you for it very much. Thanks for hope. For making me feel wanted.
And that even after a weird run in - when I could tell you were wracked with confusion for your future and for where and if I could be in it - I still desperately wanted to try. Want to try anything to bring us closer, put us on the same page. To know more abt you than I do. How you think and why. Who has made the biggest impact on your life. How you view communication and why you're afraid of initiating it.
That I don't want to fight! I want us to try and work it out..because I just have this feeling it shouldn't be done yet.
That one of the things making it hardest to pull the plug on this - even though its technically really easy to cut you out - is the fantasies I have. Of knowing eachothers families. Going to events together and dates and reunions. Of how neat our story is. Of how undeniably aTtracted I am to you where thinking about me drives me physically crazy.
That I know I could, would (and will?) Give up the dreams for a few thingss. 1) someone who loves me the way I want to be loved. Open/ frequent communication and heart, lots of quality time, jewish passion, someone who knows they WANT me in their future. And 2) for you to have your first (?) Or real love. For you to find someeone who gets you openendedly, who you want to share every tidbit about yourself with. I have a feeling your someone else would come way before mine - as is the story of my life. And that'd be heartbreaking to know I couldn't do it. But it would be exactly what you need! And I'd be thrilled for you and be there for you. Because the person who fully captures your attention must be wonderful.
That I don't know what to do next? I'm still mad and frustrated by you. For just emotionally leaving me hanging - wondering what if. FOR WEEKS!! Why! I want us to be honest w each other. Me with my confusion/ exasperation. You with your other girl/ confused mindset. How do we move forward? I'm scared for us..we've known each other so long to just let things fade away. But..we still have so much left to learn.
That I'm super positive about both our futures. IM OPTOMISTIC!! Not sad. Whatever we want..or was truly meant to happen..will find its way. I just hope we don't lose each other forever. You intrigue me.
I'm sorry for ending so strangely and abruptly but its hard to know what else to say. Here's to our future, our friendship/ relationship..and well..us.
With much love and luck,
Please don't kill me.
I know this really is mostly my fault. I told you I didn't want things to change. I wanted things to stay the same; I wanted to move really really slowly. And we did.
But now I'm older, it's a new year and maybe I'm just this much closer to figuring out what I want.
But my thoughts on that subject have changed. I don't want things to stay the same; I need a change. I wish I could have articulated this better before but it's time for it to come out.
Considering both of our searches for our truths in life, I know there's a lot on your mind. I know there's a lot a lot on your plate. My mind is bustling too. And I'm not ready to give up freedom either. But I don't like where I stand in your life right now. It's where I was comfortable before but now that we've progressed, so must our relationship.
So I vote we either move backward. Give each other space while we figure out our lives. Talk less. Keep at a friendship. Maybe one day with patience it will work out.
Or I vote we take a step forward. I'm not trying to be in a relationship or a marriage or anything. But I am trying to learn how we work together and what kind of person you are. I feel like there's a lot left to learn about you and I want us to make more of an effort to learn about each other on a more substantial level. Maybe one day with patience it will work out.
Maybe, one day, with patience, it will work out.
Maybe one day, with patience, it will work out.
Maybe one day with patience, it will work out.
Maybe one day with patience it will work out.
Fun things I've done since graduating:
Visit OSU with Elle for the football game - free tix and free stay in the Governors Suite plus breakfast.
Iowa adventure with Josh and Rachel.
Visiting Ariana in Michigan with Rachel and Nika.
Go down to U of I to meet Kaslow and the Kid Cudi gang - tour bus, free concert and afties.
Illinois homecoming - dancing at block.
Dans visit in august
Having Sara in town
Flip cup thursdays with the boys
Taste of chicago & july 3rd n 4th
Birthdays: allison, sarah, lindsay, elle, randi, ashley, megan and seiwerts, kathy, karina
Upcoming: jennys bday/ tbox, bye bye liver, hp 7, illini n northwestern game, food expo, bears game, black wednesday, rochester, burms reality show
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